Back in November 2012, before my life became one big 'Auld Lang Syne', I had the best date ever. Matt, my truck driving bear buddy, found himself with a layover in Los Angeles, called me up and we went to dinner and on an impromptu walking tour of Hollywood. No sex, just intelligent conversation. Of course I'd have rolled in the hay with him in an instant but he had to work the next day. Driving trucks requires a lot of stamina.
Matt left his ball cap at my house that night. I still don't know how that happened because he was wearing a ball cap when he left. But there it was and it was on my desk to be shipped to him when I got hauled off to Wisconsin to explain a few things.
We reconnected the next spring: and I returned the cap to him, as much as I'd have liked to keep it as a memento. But it's his favorite cap and I respect those things. Besides, in the world I live in now, things like baseball caps as trophies, dinner dates and alas, intelligent conversations seems to be part of the past.
In our email exchange, I was telling Matt how faith and hope in the form of those old Catholic standards, the bible, prayer, examination of conscience and the rosary came right back to my aid as I pondered how the hell was I going to get back to California from Wisconsin after I went before the judge?
He was quite curious about my faith and how I reconciled celibacy and other issues with Church doctrine. Matt is a very very intelligent man and I knew I'd put my foot in it. But I'll try to explain myself.
Regarding celibacy or chastity, that's quite easy for me to do considering my current situation. I can't **** so I sing alot. From 2009-2013 I catted quite a bit around town and enjoyed my randy-bachelor-about-town status. Then, I met my current partner and enjoyed monogamy-ever-after.
I was quite pleased when Pope Benedict rattled the status quo by stepping down saying I'm 'quite impressed' with Pope Francis is an understatement. This is a Holy Father to whom I actually pay more attention. He's such a great man that those old urban legends from childhood keep popping into my head about the end of days and being the last pope. These negative thoughts dovetail too well with some of the stuff I heard from the adroit theologians I met behind prison walls.
But back to being Catholic, I've never subscribed to the idea that a Pope is infallible because, c'mon...he's a human being first. Religion is man-made, not Divine. I grew very frustrated with my old parish because all I saw was Jesuit mismanagement. Reduction of services(fewer priests, cutting the number of daily masses, taking the handles off the Sunset Blvd doors to 'keep the homeless out') decisions that ultimately hurt the 'customer'. I went from Catholic cheerleader to disgruntled disciple.
I recently revisited that church and felt the lost opportunities hanging over the sanctuary like holy incense. So my search for a church family continues. I still have a very hard time attending mass, or seeking alternate paths to God, even making an appointment to discuss spiritual direction remains difficult.
Yet I know in my heart that being spiritually 'disconnected' has hurt me. I did the disconnect, btw. I abandoned God, not the other way around. I believe in God. I believe in the Universe. I believe in miracles for crying out loud. In the end, I don't think the Universe cares where I worship, but that I do.
That puts me back to basics: prayer, reading the bible, a daily gratitude journal, asking for guidance, having faith that it will happen and to continue that faith when it doesn't happen on my time.
Matt left his ball cap at my house that night. I still don't know how that happened because he was wearing a ball cap when he left. But there it was and it was on my desk to be shipped to him when I got hauled off to Wisconsin to explain a few things.
We reconnected the next spring: and I returned the cap to him, as much as I'd have liked to keep it as a memento. But it's his favorite cap and I respect those things. Besides, in the world I live in now, things like baseball caps as trophies, dinner dates and alas, intelligent conversations seems to be part of the past.
In our email exchange, I was telling Matt how faith and hope in the form of those old Catholic standards, the bible, prayer, examination of conscience and the rosary came right back to my aid as I pondered how the hell was I going to get back to California from Wisconsin after I went before the judge?
He was quite curious about my faith and how I reconciled celibacy and other issues with Church doctrine. Matt is a very very intelligent man and I knew I'd put my foot in it. But I'll try to explain myself.
Regarding celibacy or chastity, that's quite easy for me to do considering my current situation. I can't **** so I sing alot. From 2009-2013 I catted quite a bit around town and enjoyed my randy-bachelor-about-town status. Then, I met my current partner and enjoyed monogamy-ever-after.
I was quite pleased when Pope Benedict rattled the status quo by stepping down saying I'm 'quite impressed' with Pope Francis is an understatement. This is a Holy Father to whom I actually pay more attention. He's such a great man that those old urban legends from childhood keep popping into my head about the end of days and being the last pope. These negative thoughts dovetail too well with some of the stuff I heard from the adroit theologians I met behind prison walls.
But back to being Catholic, I've never subscribed to the idea that a Pope is infallible because, c'mon...he's a human being first. Religion is man-made, not Divine. I grew very frustrated with my old parish because all I saw was Jesuit mismanagement. Reduction of services(fewer priests, cutting the number of daily masses, taking the handles off the Sunset Blvd doors to 'keep the homeless out') decisions that ultimately hurt the 'customer'. I went from Catholic cheerleader to disgruntled disciple.
I recently revisited that church and felt the lost opportunities hanging over the sanctuary like holy incense. So my search for a church family continues. I still have a very hard time attending mass, or seeking alternate paths to God, even making an appointment to discuss spiritual direction remains difficult.
Yet I know in my heart that being spiritually 'disconnected' has hurt me. I did the disconnect, btw. I abandoned God, not the other way around. I believe in God. I believe in the Universe. I believe in miracles for crying out loud. In the end, I don't think the Universe cares where I worship, but that I do.
That puts me back to basics: prayer, reading the bible, a daily gratitude journal, asking for guidance, having faith that it will happen and to continue that faith when it doesn't happen on my time.
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