Out of the woods..into the woods..out of the woods...into the...

2017 has not been without many challenges. I spent most of it in residential treatment aka "rehab". I spent most of 2016 in rehab. In Southern California, there are probably as many rehabs as there are Starbucks. If not more. From Malibu to downtown's Midnight Mission, there is a program designed to fix you. Unless that person is me.

The good news is I haven't ended up like Amy Winehouse. The bad news is I haven't ended up like Adele either. Addiction is a cross I carry every day. I'd be delighted to say that after 4 months of daily classes, meditation, group therapy, individual therapy, 12 step meetings, service commitments, navel gazing and pondering every early childhood event that planted the seeds of addiction in me, I have it down. No more booze or dope for me. I'll get high on life from now on.

Alas, after 4 months, and you can set a cocktail hour by it: I fall off the wagon. Why? I've a high IQ. I know what to do. I have the tools. Yet...off I go.

What I've figured out is that my relapses are triggered when I start future tripping.

My mind starts creating plots....'gosh, i'll be leaving here soon. what the %&*!@# am I going to do? How will I keep Tony in the sanitarium? Can I find a job that pays me six figures again, or should I do what the experts say and go grill hamburgers for a living at minimum wage?  Phooey, McDona1d's would never hire me. Maybe I should follow Betty Hutton's lead. She had a breakdown and turned up years later as a housekeeper for two priests. Is that my fate, Betty Hutton?

And so, I go back into treatment. And I apply myself harder. I do more service work. I read my Big Book as if its the only book I have. (and it is....no other reading materials allowed) I pray. I chant. I network. I do well. And then...I start to worry that I'll never find a safe place I call home again. Ever. I'm that 12 year old orphan again.

And all I know to do that is safe to do: is to run. But, I forget about that old saying, 'wherever you go, there you are.'

...and here I am tonight.
'wherever I go, there I am"

I'm a nightmare I can't wake up from,

Another Op'nin, Another Blog

I'm a writer blessed with a wonderful and adventure-filled life. That sounds rather schmaltzy doesn't it?  It's sincere, but don't think this is all moonlight and magnolias. I suggest you continue to read and I hope that you'll find my thoughts interesting enough to follow my blog.

I was born in Dallas,Texas. I'm an only child and lost my mother to a Seconal overdose when I was 12. Ironically, she never made the connection between her habit and one of her favorite movies. Mama's death devastated me. I was a rather grand little boy who got through and to this day gets through the tough times by my love of movies. I live in Los Angeles. I'd wanted to move here since I was 8 years old and about 17 years later, I did just that. I wanted to be a writer and I did just that, too.

I don't call my adopted home town 'L.A.',...well...just because I don't. When I'm feeling really grand and pretentious, I pronounce it as  'Lohs An-jell-eez'. Told you I was grand. But not original. Rent a copy of 'The Long Long Trailer' with Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz: Lucy says it the same way.

BTW, I'm nuts, like many highly creative, highly successful, Type 'A personalities, in my opinion.

I turned 50 in October 2012 and that December I landed in jail for a few weeks. To put it sarcastically, my crime was having extremely bad taste in men. That's the simple explanation. Someone I once cared about very much has quite a bit to do with the backstory. I'd blogged about that, and the cyber-cafe society where we played and partied for two years. I'd even gracefully bowed out and admitted defeat as he'd fallen for someone with whom he was more compatible...ok...head over heels, nutsy-koo-koo over. I knew this, but couldn't keep my pride, arrogance and heartbreak in check. I was in deep trouble, and too self-centered to know it.

My time 'away'  released me from a prison I'd built around myself: one of depression, 'stuck-ness', out of control self-medication and spiritual disconnection. I'd lost track of how many friends died and how powerless I felt. Once off that treadmill I was faced with a new set of challenges...

Challenges I still have. I'm finding solace in prayer, meditation and being of service to others. Thus, I am quite grateful for these last five years, though the journey isn't exactly one I'd select.

Truth is stranger than fiction. I look forward to learning some truths about myself and achieving self-realization.

In the meantime, perhaps the lens in which I view and live my life will help you, or at least entertain you.